The Path Out of Codependency
The American Psychological Association defines codependency as ‘the state of being mutually reliant, for example, a relationship between two individuals who are emotionally dependent on one another. A dysfunctional relationship pattern in which an individual is psychologically dependent on (or controlled by) a person who has a substance use or non-substance-related disorder (e.g., alcohol use disorder, gambling disorder).’ However, codependency can show up, in your life, in a variety of ways. It is most common to see, within your intimate, personal relationships, but can also show up, in friendships, with work colleagues, or within your family. A person can even be ‘attached to a thing, or a place’, in a codependent way.
Codependency is responsible for a long list of unhealthy behaviors, which are likely not being viewed as belonging to, or attached to codependent thinking. These unhealthy behaviors are often driven by the need to search for something, outside of yourself, where you are lacking, on the inside. Often this is a lack of self love, which drives a person to search, outside of himself/herself, for something to fill in, on the inside, where there exists a void.
Codependency is often the root of most addiction issues. Stopping the unwanted addiction behavior is one thing, but as you get to the root causes, codependency issues are often to blame. Many forms of addiction are merely Band-aids, to slap on, as a temporary ‘feel good’, avoiding the real, root issues.
Codependency is much more than being emotionally, or psychologically dependent on another person, for all your good feelings about yourself. It is also way more than being controlled by someone with an addiction disorder. There is a long list of behaviors, which you may be participating in, trying to fill a need, from an external source, or trying to get approval, or validation, from others, in order to feel good about yourself, as a person. All of this is codependent thinking.
Typically, when you think of codependency, the first thought, which comes to mind, is how codependency shows up, in your personal relationships. Personal relationships are usually the most intense mirror, for us, reflecting back, to us, our unhealthy, codependent behaviors, if we are not operating from a healthy place. However, codependency is far reaching, and it can show up in all aspects of your life. The reality is that codependency casts its net wide, and as you start to do your work, and identify the source of your own codependency roots, concentrating in one area, you may peel back that layer, only to find something else, which lie beneath, much like an onion.
The idea is to not see this as a negative thing, but to see it as part of your growth, and your journey. Your perspective is changing, and likely you are beginning to see behaviors, which you did not identify, previously, as having been unhealthy. As you start to unearth one behavior, to better understand it, and release it, another one starts to come up, to the surface. Embrace this as a sign, and benchmark of your work, which you are doing.
When you think of healing, from codependent behaviors, this is not something to go about with a bucket checklist, or viewing it as a ‘flip of a switch’, and you’re done. Doing the necessary work, and healing oneself, from unhealthy, unwanted, codependent behaviors requires you to do your work, and commit yourself to a process. This is to learn new ways of thinking, and a new perspective, and new ways of behaving, and letting go of the unhealthy behaviors.
I can speak to all of this, from a place of life experience. I am a living, breathing, life example, of someone who has done the work, and made changes, in my life, healing, and recovering, and completely changing, my entire life around, for the better. I like to say I started my codependency, recovery journey, eighteen years, ago, and I continue to peel back the layers, growing, healing, evolving, transcending, elevating, and upleveling my life, from a healthy place of being. I’ve done so much work, to the point, now, my life is dedicated to one of servitude, helping others, do the same, in their lives.
I would like to share with you, some words of encouragement, when it comes to codependency. If you are considering your own path of recovery, and embracing the work, to heal yourself, from unhealthy, unwanted, codependent behaviors and thinking, be kind and gentle with yourself, in the process. Refrain from any criticism, or beating yourself up, or negative self talk. Keep in mind, you likely either learned the behaviors, within your family system, or developed the behaviors, as a form of ‘coping mechanism’. Some of the behaviors could have even been developed as the result of a form of abuse, neglect, abandonment, or trauma. The behaviors, which you learned, may be ones, which you are identifying now, as unhealthy, and no longer serving you well. However, they may have been part of your survival, or a copying system, from a different chapter in your life.
I will share a personal story, to help explain this concept. My mother left my father, and the family home, back when I was 13 years old. I remained with my father, along with my younger brother. When this happened, I automatically started doing all the cooking, and domestic work, which my mother had previously taken care of. I would make sure that dinner was ready, when my father got home from work, and I would wash all our clothes, and take care of my brother.
No one, within my family, ever asked me to do any of this. I was just busy trying to make my newly chaotic life feel normal, once again. My home, as I knew it, had been blasted apart, and by ‘care taking’, the people around me, I made it feel normal again. All of this robbed me of my childhood. It was likely the training ground, for my prior career, in hospitality. However, I learned, early in life, how to caretake others, and how to do it, without even being asked. I learned how to sacrifice, massive chunks of myself, and my own life, to continue to take care of others.
So, as I grew older, and found myself in adult relationships, I started seeing the common thread of ‘caretaking’ in the relationship, in a variety of ways. I was experiencing one toxic unfolding, after another, and it took many years of this, and my own, ‘brick wall’ in life, before I had interest in living a different way, and considering a different life path.
When I started doing my own work, I was able to clearly see the pattern, which existed. It was as if I had a blinking light, flashing, above my head, that said, ‘Heah, come over here, and I will take care of you, and I’ll even carve out a hole in my soul, and patch you in, where you have a void’. The work I have done, has not only allowed me to release my need, and interest, in doing this, it has also allowed me to turn off the flashing light. I was able to clearly see, I was replicating a painful, traumatic experience, from my past, which I had not yet processed, and released. I was still holding onto it, and in turn, attracting the same experience, continually, to my doorstep. I was putting out, into the Universe, an energy, a vibrancy, and a message, which attracted in, to me, someone who wanted to be taken care of. It was not possible, for me to get a different experience, out of life, until I had dealt with ‘my stuff’, around this childhood experience.
Caring for someone is great. Caretaking others puts you in an unhealthy space. Now, I was 13 years old, when all of that happened. I did not ask for that. That experience was not my fault. By taking care of everyone I did not do a ‘bad thing’. I just didn’t have resources in my life, to really cope with what was going on, in any emotional, psychological, mental, spiritual kind of way. I just kicked it under the ‘proverbial’ rug, and kept motoring along. I was harboring intense feelings of shame, and embarrassment, about what was going on, in my home life, and likely, I felt doing all of this made us appear, on the outside, like just another ‘normal’ family. This kind of stuff, is the origins of codependency.
The point, which I am trying to make, in the sharing of this story, is that these behaviors were ones, I developed, as my own coping mechanism, to what was going on, in my life, at that time. Because I did not deal with it, in any healthy way, at it was unfolding, I carried it through my life, with me, for many, many years, before I was able to sit with it, in my lap, and sort through it. Once I was able to do that, I was able to release it, and heal.
If I chose to beat myself up, and put myself down, for having behaved like this, in the first place, I am not doing anything good, for myself, in the way of healing, or recovering. I am making it worse. So, again, be kind and gentle with yourself. It’s not a witch hunt. It’s not a place to hang the blame. The purpose is to understand it, review patterns in your life, so you can get through it, and then, beyond it, so it no longer holds control over your life.
If I can do this work, myself, and make my own changes, I know you can, too. We did not come into this human incarnation, to carry around feelings of loneliness and emptiness, not feeling good enough, or worthy of love, or to function in unhealthy ways with other people, or attached to other people. Those are just negative thoughts, and behaviors, which we have picked up, along the way.
You can unlearn all of the negative thinking, and live a life, which you deserve, with love, and support, happiness, and all, which this amazing, abundant, infinite Universe has to offer.
The roots of codependency are centered around not loving yourself, and not having developed a daily spiritual practice. Once you find that self love, and fall deeply, and madly, in love, with yourself, and believe in yourself, all of the negative thinking starts to fall away. When you start focusing inward, on how amazing you are, you will start to let go, slowly by slowly, of this empty feeling, and looking to others for validation. If you develop self love and spirituality, with a daily practice of connection to God, the Creator, Higher Consciousness, Source, the Divine, or ‘Whatever Name Resonates for You’, and develop a sense of focusing inward, you will have mastered the basics, and be on the road to your recovery, from codependency.
If you would like some more information, in the way of codependency, or to start your own journey, in the recovery from unhealthy codependent thinking, and behaviors, please check out my course on ‘Transform Your Life Out of Codependency’. This course is approximately 12-15+ hours of work, with video and audio recording, text, inspirational quotes, and personal, real life stories. Email Support is available, as an option. You can click here to find out more.
I encourage you to do your work, and develop your sense of self love, and a daily spiritual practice. With these tools, you will be able to release the painful feelings of loneliness and emptiness, and fill in the holes in your soul!
Connie the Mississippi Queen,
Transform You