Tips on How to Develop Self Love
Self love has the ability to create deep feelings of joy, happiness, and bliss, just, simply, for being our true, authentic beautiful selves. It is loving ourselves, for all aspects of ourselves, including all the things, which we excel at, along with all the things, which we would consider to be our flaws, or character defects. It is accepting ourselves, for who we are, and believing, on a really, deep level, that we are unique, and special, and that we hold value in this human incarnation.
Self love allows us to experience a high vibration state, in the way of our energy. It is what allows us to feel happiness, and joy, even when we are spending large chunks of time, alone. It’s that feeling of loving yourself, so much, that you look forward to those periods of ‘alone time’.
TIPS ON HOW TO DEVELOP SELF LOVE
Self Care
Personal Inventory Lists
Spiritual Practice
Stop Negative Thinking
Let Go of Opinions of You
Healthy Boundaries
Self love is celebrating everything about you, and feeling gratitude, and appreciation, for being you. It is also that deep sense of feeling content, in your own skin, and there is not an ounce, inside of you, that would rather be anyone else, in the world. It is walking through life, everyday, knowing that you are valuable and important, and everything, which comes from you, is a contribution in this world, that is worthy.
No one really tells us, when we come into life, how important it is to love ourselves. It is just something we either learn to do, or not. The great irony is that the lack of self love seems to be the root of so many problems, which develop for us, as we grow, in life.
The lack of self love feeds toxic relationships, as we chase after things, which we know, good and well, aren’t good for us. We lean into things like myriads of addictions, like overeating and alcohol abuse, and retail therapy, looking to fill in the ‘holes in our soul’, with temporary band aid fixes, found outside of ourselves.
Either we come up in situations, where we are supported, encouraged, with strong attachments, to our parents, and loved, openly, and unconditionally, building confidence in ourselves, or we likely come up with the opposite, having nothing of the likes.
Unfortunately, for many people, they come from family dysfunction, that is often generational, and with trauma, and emotional scars and baggage, gifted down like grandma’s antique set of silverware. Love was not often seen, as a regular emotion, openly, and therefore, certainly not something that was taught, to feel towards ourselves.
How many times have you heard someone comment, negatively, about ‘loving oneself’, and make a reference that the person is ‘self centered’, or ‘conceited’. There’s even a negative connotation, associated with the concept of loving oneself, especially, loving oneself, deeply.
When we have a sense of self love, we hold a greater value for ourselves. We celebrate ourselves, and all which is unique, and special, about ourselves. We accept ourselves, for all which is great, and all our flaws, as part of who we are. We tend to be more loving, and understanding of ourselves. We are kinder and gentler, towards ourselves, naturally.
When we lack self love, we do not see all the amazingly, beautiful things, about us, as creative beings. We do not believe ourselves to be special. Rather, we constantly think of ourselves as being ‘not good enough’. We end up comparing ourselves to others, focused on what we believe to be our ‘shortcomings’. There’s nothing to celebrate.
When we lack self love, we are constantly trying to prove ourselves to others, and we are always looking outside of ourselves for anything, we can find, to make us feel better about ourselves, albeit that is always short lived. We pine after things we want to buy, thinking once it’s acquired life will be better, only to find the excitement wears off, very, very quickly.
I have had to do my own work around ‘self love’. I had to go back, and nurture, my ‘damaged inner child’, and heal that wound, which existed, with the little girl, inside me, who was not strongly supported, in my formative years. I had to learn, as an adult, in times when I was being triggered, to speak to that little girl inside me, and let her know she is loved, and supported, and protected.
Then, when my own daughter was in her elementary years, I had a rule that any negative things, which she said about herself, were dealt with in the same way, had it been said about another person. If she did something which I labeled as ‘self abuse’, she was dealt with, as if she had ‘done this to another person’. I wanted her to clearly understand, it was unacceptable to treat herself poorly, just as it was considered, to treat another, poorly, too. In our household, my efforts were for her to understand, she had value, and was of equal importance, when it came to things like self love, and respect, in comparison, to others.
There are several things, one can do, to develop a practice of self love, if it does not come to you, naturally. While this is certainly not an exhausted list, I would like to suggest some of the following, because these are some things, which worked, successfully, for me.
Self care- designate time to pamper yourself. This can be anything, that you do, that you consider ‘special treatment’ for yourself. Maybe it is a long soak in the bathtub, or a pedicure, a walk on a trail, or even sitting to read a book, or taking a drive, by yourself. As long as it’s something, that makes you feel ‘special’, in that you took the time, for something, which you enjoy doing, and devoted it to yourself, without allowing the usual, daily interruptions. Turn the world ‘off’, and focus on you.
Personal Inventory List- Sometimes it helps for us to see facts in black and white. The first step is awareness, when we have intentions of changing something. Make a list of all the amazing, positive, special, creative, unique things, about you. If you are doing this for the first time, you may likely struggle, around it. Take your time. Sit with the task, and work through the exercise. If this is a struggle, at first, let it be ok, to write even the smallest of things, on your list.
Now, make a list of all the things, which you do, for ‘others’, as well as for the ‘common good’. What selfless things, have you done, as of recent, that are compassionate, kind, and helpful to others. Does this list allow you to see how good you are, as a person? Are there things on your lists, which you make you feel proud of yourself? Are there things on your list, that you would normally respect, others for doing?
Develop a spiritual practice and connection to God, as we understand God to be, God / The Creator / the Universe / Source / Higher Consciousness / the Divine, etc. When we pray, we ask God for guidance, and when we sit quietly, in mediation, we wait, for the answers. Instead of looking outwardly, to other people, for validation and approval, we can strengthen our trust and faith, in our own abilities, by looking within, especially when we know we have a connection, much greater than us, offering guidance.
By developing a spiritual practice, and one which works, and is meaningful, for you, we come to know, and understand, that we were created by God, in His likeness. We came into this human existence, to shine. We get covered up with ‘muck’, in negative messages, that we pick up, or negative thinking, which we are taught, by those, whom we encounter. We start to believe negative things, about ourselves, instead of seeing, and believing, that we are special, creative, and came here, with special gifts to share with the world.
Stop negative thinking- Get rid of that negative tape, which is playing in your head. Everyone has one playing. It is important to understand what yours says. Is it negative? Is it positive? What are the messages? This tape is usually made up of things, which we learned, as a child, or things, which other people have said to us. It is also the ‘inner child’, coming out to play.
In times of stress, or anxiety, does the tape change? Is it supportive of you, in those moments? Could it use an ‘erasing’ and ‘reprogramming’?
A good way to step out, and change this internal tape, is to first of all, get clear on what it is saying. Write it all down- the good, the bad, the ugly, and the down right abusive messages, which come through. Maybe there’s a pattern. Maybe you even recognize the words, or the ‘voice’ of the messages. Maybe it is your own, or maybe it belongs to someone else.
One by one, you can switch each of these negative, and self abusive messages, to the positive. Be kind and gentle to yourself. The first step is simply the awareness, that it exists.
If you can make a list, of everything, that comes up, on your negative tape, then write a replacement response, to each item. For example, if one of the messages, that comes through is ‘you’re not good enough to do this. Why do you even try?’, a good replacement response might be ‘You are good enough. You excel when faced with something new’.
Again, be kind and gentle, with yourself, and keep a realistic outlook. However, do not get discouraged. When learning anything, for the first time, it does take a bit of practice, for the new behaviour to just become second nature, and likely, you’ve been playing your negative tape, for a very, very long time.
You will likely revert back, even after you start doing the work, to change the tape contents. Accept that it happens, and as soon as you realize it. Repeat the replacement belief- the more you do this, the closer you will come, to ridding yourself of these negative thoughts, which no longer serve you well, and transforming the negative tape, in your head, to one, which is more positive, loving, gentle, kind, supportive, and compassionate, for yourself, and for building self love.
Let go of other people’s opinions of us. One of the most important things, which we can do, in developing a practice of self love, is to let go of opinions of others. It is none of our business, what someone else may think of us. Often times, we are too busy worrying about what someone else may think, that we actually put greater importance on someone else’s opinion, of ourselves, than what we place, on ourselves.
A way to be true, and our authentic self is also not allow our interests, actions, and own opinions, of ourselves, to change, based on what someone else may think. It is called ‘our path’, for a reason, and only you, and God, know what is best for you. Someone else will be biased, based on their own experiences, and perspective in life. Therefore, while someone else may be good to support you, in your decisions. It is not in your own best interest, to allow another to determine what is best, or ideal, for you.
In order to practice self love, to place higher value, on ourselves, we need to get our good feelings, about ourselves, from within. If we are tapping into ourselves, for these good feelings, then someone else’s opinion, should not cause our self love to waver. We are busy loving ourselves, and we have let go, of looking over, and checking in, to see if anyone else approves of us, or not.
Healthy Boundaries- Implementing healthy boundaries in how you deal with people, and situations, will allow you to develop not only healthier relationships, with others, but also, it will allow you the opportunity to build greater trust in yourself. When you make a conscious decision, around a boundary, and use your voice, or your words, to communicate that, in order to protect yourself, in a variety of ways, this will build confidence in yourself, and your abilities. It will also communicate to others, the value, you hold for yourself, and how you want to be treated, as a result of that value. The more you practice implementing healthy boundaries, it will reiterate to yourself, that you are worth it, and worthy of love.
I thank you for your time in reading this, and I hope my words have helped you in some way, to develop a better practice of ‘self love’, in your life. Remember that you are loved, and we are all connected. You came into this human incarnation to share your gifts with the world.
I hope you have an amazing day!
Kindest regards,
Connie Rouble / The Mississippi Queen,
Spiritual Life Coach,
Transform You